Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
