I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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