cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
