What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
