I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
