that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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