Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
