Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
