I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
