Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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