I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
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we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
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IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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