did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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