Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
