I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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