I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
