you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
