Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
