Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
