I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
