i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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