You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
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i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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