He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
