I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
