Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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