Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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