woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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