I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
