Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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