Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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