I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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