you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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