I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
