no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
