I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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