Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
