I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
