if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
