I think I died a long time ago.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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