She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
