I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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