I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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