It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Don't make out with my wife yet
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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