I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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