haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
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It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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