They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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