Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
