And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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