Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
