What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
