I'm sorry my penis didn't work
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
