The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
