my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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