i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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