u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
