If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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