This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
