My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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